Well if you clicked on this article to read no parts of it is click bait. Wrestling with how to even get things out clearly. How do I muster up the courage to say “I’m pregnant”. This isn’t an old photo its my current reality. Writing has always been my release,my outlet, it began with journals then diaries. For as long as I can remember I’ve been writing.
Well let me be honest I wasn’t going to tell a soul about this pregnancy. I’ll take it a step further most of my friends and family don’t even know. I really had reservations and mixed emotions. I had more anxiety about this pregnancy than with my first. With Kai everything was new I was becoming a first time mom although getting pregnant my senior year of college wasn’t ideal I was determined to prove that I could be a mom. So far I had done just that finished school and all. Then it comes to this unexpected little one.
I don’t want anyone to guess, I’ll explain from my own perspective. I was getting to the point where people would say “Oh will you have more” I’d quickly reply no. Back in August a woman came to me bashing the idea of more children marriage basically everything most woman wish for eventually in life. Once they are settled stable and married. So after that speech I wrote off marriage,love children anything other than career, God travel and Kai.More children where not on my things to do. I was in a place with Kai’s dad where co parenting was making sense we had been together five years and no signs of taking any future steps. So the idea of being a mom of only one was perfect for me and became so happy with knowing I was almost done with terrible two’s. Laughing and bragging to my friends about how I had a big boy now and no longer had to tote around diaper bags.
When I saw those positive results, I was in shock. I asked what am I going to do with a second baby? Like God I have prayed to you been reading religiously how can such happen to me? First thought was Kai like he was my one and only my cuddle buddy, laughing partner my entire world how could me and him adjust from 1-2. God showed me that everything I assumed would be a problem had already been handled. Blessings came left and right within two weeks.
Next I talked to myself like Tearua your finally getting to sleep in on weekends. What are you thinking? Your almost over the wipping butt stage, have you lost your mind? I think I cried for three days. I mean I cried until I couldn’t no more. Can I really love another as much as Kai? How will he feel? what will my future be like with two kids?
Many assured me Tearua your not alone what ever you decide make the choice that you can live with. What no one told me is that, that decision would open so many other questions.
I really feel like a new mommy all over again. This pregnancy is much different from my first or has it been so long that certain things slipped my memory. Will I still know how to swaddle? Will this child be anything like Kai? I mean a lot of things I can’t answer. This is what I can do I can plan ahead as much as I can and knock out all my 2018 goals while Kai is away and I’m still fairly not noticeably pregnant.
Then the very last thing thats been on my mind is my blog. I mean its a hobby that I some times make money from but did I really have to explain this to y’all? Did I owe anyone a explanation? Well thats a 50/50 toss up. With Kai I waited until four months in to acknowledge pregnancy via social media but I wasn’t a blogger then and there was no brand. I had to go back to my blog purpose a platform to show other young moms that motherhood is possible. I may not have all the answers but this is about to be one heck of a journey.
This is what I do know so far anything that can be passed down from Kai will be past down like the crib, any budget cuts and shortcuts will be taken. Ultimately I will not stress this time. I’m not happy or excited but I do have my faith on my side. It may be early to announce could even bad luck but I’m going to be transparent. Maybe this will help someone maybe someone can help me.